This Is Normal

On Friday, I had a first in the CrossFit gym.  I got a DNF for a workout.  I left the gym pretty upset and called Ray.  He was kind but fairly unsympathetic.  In fact, his response was, "Honey, you're pregnant.  It's no big deal.  If there was ever a time for a DNF to acceptable, it's now."  I tried to explain that being pregnant, in fact, made the situation worse because hormones made having a reasonable reaction to being unable to complete a workout much more difficult. 

After getting home and getting a shower, I tried to relax on the couch and just sort of get okay with what happened in the gym.  Ray came in a few minutes later, sat next to me, and asked how I was doing.  I answered, "I'm fine, really.  I'm very fortunate, and we have a very good life, and I have nothing to complain about."  He nodded.  Then I started crying really hard.  I said, "I know all of that, but..." And while still sobbing, I started laughing at myself because I knew what I was about to say would be ridiculous, but I needed to say it.  "But... but... I don't... don't... have a.... a waist... anymore!  I've... had a waist... since... since I was... eighteen!"  (Imagine that all of those ellipses are actually filled with sobs, gasps, and laughs.) 

Ray couldn't help it.  He started laughing and said, "You do realize you're laughing and crying at the same time, right?"  I started laughing and crying even harder and nodded.  Once I calmed down, I tried to explain to him what was going on.  DNF-ing was a major blow for me.  I've never not finished.  I'm not a quitter.  So, I came home already upset and then just sort of got overwhelmed by all the changes going on with my body right now.  I have zero control over things these days, and that's not something I'm super comfortable with.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't think I have body-image issues or anything like that, and I'm well aware of the fact that my body will be growing and changing because I'm pregnant.  Ray, trying to be helpful, reminds me on a daily basis that all of this is normal.

But, it's not normal!  Not for me.  It's not normal for me to DNF.  It's not normal for my clothes not to fit.  It's not normal for me to feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  It's not normal for me to have to take medicine to feel halfway decent.  It's not normal for me to crave corn dogs and chicken pot pies and frozen yogurt.  It's not normal for me to be unable to sit comfortably on a chair for the duration of one dinner.  And it's certainly not normal for me to sob and laugh at the same time.  So while all of those things may be normal for pregnant women, I've spent 32 good years not being pregnant.  Therefore, those things don't feel normal for me, and because it's all so different and foreign, it can feel overwhelming.

I am obsessive compulsive a planner a Type A personality.  I'm accustomed to having a plan (or possibly six plans with several contingencies for each) and having a fair amount of control over certain aspects of my life.  But being pregnant has made me realize there's a lot I don't have control over.  And even the simple things that I used to have control over (like my complexion, my workouts, my energy levels, and my wardrobe) are now running amok, and there's little to nothing I can do about it. 

I realized after reflecting on all of this that I just need to settle in and find my new normal.  I do this each time Ray deploys or has to leave for an extended period of time.  There are two normals in my life: Ray's Home Normal and Ray's Gone Normal.  I guess I need to work on finding Pregnancy Normal.  And, then of course, Wolverine Normal after she arrives.  I know I'll be able to find this, but I think it will take some time.  So much has changed in a little over thirteen weeks, and there are so many more changes to come.  Change is good, and I do like a challenge.  Maybe I just need to view this pregnancy as a challenge - to see how quickly and how easily I can adapt to all the crazy changes?

The strangest part about all of this is that I wouldn't trade it.  I'll take my DNF, my Zofran, my corn dogs, and my new love of elastic waistbands.  Because the alternative - not having Wolverine Baby - isn't even close to worth it.  How strange to feel such overwhelming feelings for someone I've not met!  Of course, I've read that this, too, is normal. :)