It's Not About Me

A friend sent me that quote from Pink this week, and it caused me to literally exclaim, "YES!!" out loud when I read it.  This is exactly how I feel about being Juliet's mom.  Her fierceness and independence (that she is already showing at 10 months) is a beautiful, amazing thing.  But here's the thing: sometimes, it's hard.  It is hard when her fierceness means refusing to eat.  It is hard when her fierceness means she knows exactly what she wants and gets angry when I won't let her do it.  It is hard when her independence means that she will feed herself even though that means she might not get as much in her mouth as I'd like.  (I'm not talking about the mess - I'm talking about knowing that she has had enough to eat.)

As her mother, I believe I know what is best for her.  I know when she should be hungry.  I know what is dangerous for her to do and what will hurt her.  I know how much she should eat.  I am her mother.  But the bottom line is that sometimes, she's not hungry.  And sometimes, I need to let her figure out that playing with the cabinet doors might mean smashed fingers.  Other times, she gets full before she's finished her banana.  Juliet is her own person (already), and I need to remember and respect that.

This weekend, Juliet has started teething again.  She is not her normal self right now.  She needs to have me within arm's reach at all times, but she doesn't want to snuggle.  She throws herself on me, climbs on me, walks around the table while making sure I'm watching, and generally functions as Dictator Baby.  She doesn't eat at her normal times, eat her normal amounts, sleep her at her normal times, or sleep for her normal amounts.  I am constantly working to discern her needs at that moment. When I can't figure it out, it makes me feel like a failure.  Earlier today, she was fussing and nothing I was doing helped.  I said to her, "Baby girl, I'm trying so hard right now, but I feel like a failure of a mom."  And it hit me.  I was doing exactly what Pink's mom did and what I said I didn't  want to do.  I was taking Juliet's fussing personally, as some sort of indictment of my inability to mother her. 

Juliet is 10 months old and teething.  She's going to fuss.  She's going to be demanding.  She's going to exert her independence and eat (or not) as she pleases while her latest tooth tries to work its way down.  And none of that has anything to do with me.  It's not about me. 

So, I'm sure that Pink wasn't talking about a teething, fussy baby.  It's far more likely that she was talking about a toddler exerting her independence.  But the message is still the same: it's not about me.  It's about her.  Her needs, her growth, her her her.  If I can get this through my head now, when she's not even walking, then maybe - just maybe - there is hope that I'll do okay.  I've said time and again that my goal with Juliet, the stick with which I will measure my success as a mom, is her independence.  I want her to be independent and self-sustaining (physically, financially, emotionally, all of it).  But if I really want to achieve that, it will mean coming to terms early on (like now) with the fact that my daughter will likely be fierce and stubborn at times.  It means I should celebrate these aspects of her personality and appreciate them.  I should see them as signs of her growing into all that I hope for her.  I should not take them as acts of rebellion or as indictments of my failures.  The sooner I can correct the self-talk going on in my head, the better.  I want to set an example for Juliet (with positive self-talk), and I want her to always feel that I support and accept her.

Thank you, Pink, for putting this quote out there.  And thank you, Adrianne, for sharing it.